Showing posts with label Ferengi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ferengi. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Quark

Q is for Quark but who is he? In Star Trek DS9 Armin Shimerman appears as the greedy Ferengi who runs the bar and gambling casino on the station's promenade. His love for gold pressed latinum constantly gets him into scrapes with the law.

Fortunately our silver tongued friend has no scruples about telling yarns to save his own neck. In Star Trek TNG he played the Ferengi who spoke the most lines in 'The Last Outpost.'

Shimmerman is an old hand at science fiction having starred in Beauty and the Beast and Alien Nation previously. Armin initially had some misgivings about the extensive makeup required but a chat with Michael Dorn soon helped the actor come to grips with being stuck in a chair for hours. Shimmerman is definitely one of the more expressive Star Trek actors on Deep Space Nine but this fact is often missed because his face is always hidden behind a mask of gew.

Quark also runs 'holosuites' where any fantasy of your dreams can be played out for the right price. Every good Ferengi follows the Ferengi Code with religious devotion from an early age.

Years ago I snook in an extra rule into the Ferengi Code, can you spot which one isn't the real McCoy?

What fantasies would you like to play out in Quark's holosuite?

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Ferengi Culture

What did the Ferengi call their set of ethical guidelines governing business behavior in Ferengi Culture?

1. Words to Live By.
2. The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition.
3. The Grand Nagus' Rules of Commerce.
4. The Unrelenting Lust for Profit.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Battle TNG

The Battle is the ninth episode in Star Trek TNG written by Larry Forrester and Herbert Wright, directed by Rob Bowman. The USS Enterprise NCC 1701 enters the Xendi Sabu Star System where it waits patiently for three days at the request of a mysterious Ferengi message, "Stand by, Enterprise." Meanwhile Beverly is in the captains quarters aboard the USS Enterprise-D servicing a grouchy, bedridden Captain Picard completely drained from a unnatural headache. For a moment its looking real cosy between them. Picard's oratory defenses fail him making him powerless to spurn the advances of Beverly's Crusher's inept administrations. The Chief Medical Officer of the Enterprise takes pleasure ordering the captain to sickbay. You can blame Q for the "inept" bit. Captain Picard puts on a big brave face and is prepared to accept his fate when Commander Riker's hail spoils all the good fun.


Picard "Duty calls doctor."

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The Ferengi are finally ready to talk shop with Picard who makes a quick getaway from Beverly's diabolical concoctions and she knows it! So off he goes to the bridge which gets Crusher temporarily off the hook. Consider, why doesn't the Chief Medical Officer just shoot the captain with a few drops of cordrazine which has been known to rejuvenate countless Starfleet mortals? I suspect Doctor Beverly was bluffing and wanted an excuse to well ehm...you know, roll about in the hay with her Captain!!...How very naughty of her, but you never know. Maybe just maybe, she gets off torturing her patients in a roleplay scenario...with the weaker ones who can't fight back! Hehe....Still, she doesn't give up hope on mon capitan and we see the two lovebirds meeting up later on in Sickbay for another round of Crushers "medical fakery."

Picard finally gets to talk with one of the beastly little Ferengi creatures calling himself "DaiMon Bok." The commander of the Ferengi marauder, Bok makes his sales pitch and arranges to rendezvous with the USS Enterprise and beamover in one hour. Its interesting to note Counsellor Deanna Troi cautions Picard that she detects "considerable deception on Bok's park and danger" I guess Troi is having a good betazed day! At last Bok presents Picard with his old Federation starship, the constellation class USS Stargazer last commanded by Jean Luc Picard nine years ago in Maxia Zeta.

I have to admit, its just too hard to swallow the Ferengis lame story with the little toads behaving themselves just totally out of character. Its all wrong. Counsellor Troi should have chimed in with "Captain the Ferengi toads are hiding something..." right? Ferengis are extreme capitalists at heart and beam straight aboard the USS Enterprise-D bridge. The mind twister here is why Bok donates the Stargazer for absolutely no financial gain? His unprofitable venture was enough to freak out his Ferengi playmates and violate the Ferengi Rules of Aquisition. It obvious to viewers everywhere that this little toad was definitely not on the level.

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I guess its a little difficult to fully appreciate the Ferengi approach to commerce ... wait I've changed my mind.... Actually trekkers, forgive me but I'm just having a laugh. One thing is certain, interpreting their facial expressions immersed behind all their makeup gew is a challenge for any dedicated trekker. At least "the battle" elevates their characters to a degree of prominence surpassing the Ferengi caricatures rolled out in Star Trek TNG in "the last outpost" episode. In the course of Picard's, Data's and Riker's exchange with the hob goblins it emerges that Bok's son was killed during a surprise attack when the Stargazer outwitted "an unidentified craft" with the exceptional 'Picard Maneuver.' The captain of the USS Enterprise NCC 1701-D apologizes but alas his words are in vain and fall on the dumb ears of the Ferengi.

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The game is afoot when evil DaiMon Bok played by Rob Bowman gifts Picard's old ship in an act of friendship at no cost to the Federation! Strange but true. Bok's greedy eyed companions are mortified but DaiMons peaceful overtures blows away Picard who can't take his eyes off the Stargazer. Lets face it, Picard isn't exactly firing on all thrusters. Dr Beverly Crusher has already applied a counteragent to "mask" Picard's headache but sadly it just doesn't do the trick. If only Dr "Bones"McCoy was around, I'm sure his Saurian Brandy would work wonders.

The entire bridgecrew of the flagship Enterprise actually entertain DaiMon Bok's bountiful Ferengi spirit. I mean whats the matter with them? Are the Enterprise bridge officers juiced up on crack cocaine? All except maybe Commander Riker who attacks Kazagos greedy capitalist beliefs to the extreme limit. "Enterprise now taking possession of the Stargazer, Kazago."The Ferengi first Officer has little choice but to part with his Federation prize.. "Granted Riker" But Riker persists. "Actually it was quite a bargain Kazargo, I thought the Ferengi always made a profit on things." beams Riker cruelly at the wolfish looking Ferengi. Kazago ends the transmission with a sickening growl from his stomach. The Enterprise takes possession of the USS Stargazer NCC 2893 "in honor of the hero of maxima" but the scoop just seems too good to be true.
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The news overwhelms beleagured Jean Luc Picard who finds himself in Crusher's Sickbay with yet another setback. Meanwhile Commander Daimon Bok has been busy. The sneaky toad has hidden a glowing mind control device in Picard's old Stargazer quarters. The magic ball treatment is all part of Bok's elaborate scheme to mortally wound Picard for snuffing out his son! Bok boosts the signal controlling Picard nightmares with his glowing ball of evil. He nearly drives poor baldy beserk with headaches. Amid the chaos of mind control devices, Wesley's geeky predictions, forged Stargazer log entries, Riker and Data playing Detective Inspector Columbo, friendly Ferengi peace offerings and a nostalgic Starfleet captain, Bok's revenge plan to lure Picard aboard the USS Stargazer pays off.


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The Hero of Maxima relives his past in a desperate struggle to save the Stargazer and her crew but sadly Picard loses all sense of reality. The Enterprise-D captain is aboard his old starship giving orders to former crewmates as they fight for survival in the battle of maxima. Next, Picard sets his sights on the USS Enterprise-D. Take a deep breath Trekkies because we're blessed to withness a sensational strategist sit into the Enterprises captains chair. Fortunately for the crew Commander Riker doesn't blow it. He knows about the celebrated Picard Manevuer used in the original battle allowing the Stargazer to be in two places at once with the attacker firing upon the phantom starship. Good old Riker fails to turn the Federation's flagship into a fireball....what a relief!!! and manages to seize the Stargazer in a tractorbeam before all hell breaks loose. Its a sweet ending when swashbuckler Riker emerges as the hero and seeing the captain Picard bounce back to reality after his trippy Stargazer sleighride.


Live long and Prosper, Trekkies.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Last Outpost TNG

In the fifth episode of Star Treks TNG, "the last outpost," the crew of USS Enterprise NCC 1701-D chases after a Ferengi marauder which has looted a T-9 Energy converter from a federation Outpost on Gamma Tauri IV. Captain Picard's mission establishes contact with Ferengi outlaws in orbit of a desserted planet which once thrived as a powerful space federation before its star went supernova. An electromagnetic power surge fires upon the Enterprise so Picard decides to fallback. Curiously both ships are seized by a powerful energy forcefield which drains their power systems and lifesupport paralysing them in the Delphi Ardu star system. The Ferengi's impressive spaceship design makes them appear technologically savvy to the Federation but all is not what it seems. Is it possible the Ferengi have immobilized the Starfleet's flagship with a vastly powerful weapon?

Image Owner/creator: Paramount Pictures and/or CBS Studios.

Worf " I say fight sir, theres nothing shameful falling before a superior enemy."
Picard "And nothing shameful in a strategic retreat either."

This episode is loaded with heroic metaphors. Riker "He will triumph who knows when to fight and when not to fight." Sun Tzu. Geordi Laforge shines briefly in Main Engineering as Chief Engineer when he rolls out a proficient plan which should have broken the Enterprise free from the forcefield trap at high warp. Fortunately, Deannas Betazoid instincts saves the day when she redirects everyones attention away from the Ferengi ship focusing instead on the Tkon planet. But time is running out and with the powerdrain constantly sapping the Enterprise's warp engines, Worf and Yar suggest going out in a blaze of glory.

Captain Picard nearly surrenders the USS Enterprise-D until Daimon Taar contacts him asking to be spared offering the lives of his first officers in return. A plan is eventually hatched when the Enterprise teams up with the Ferengi "traders" who value commerce above all else. The first Ferengi is played by Armin Shimerman who also plays a regular character, Quark, in Deep Space Nine. Away teams beams down to investigate the planet amidst the remains of a seemingly lifeless outpost some 600,000 years old.

Data reports tricorders are useless and dead communicator contact with the Enterprise means they're on their own. Fortunately a sleeping portal reawakens just in the nick of time materializing after the Ferengi surprise attack on the Enterprise away team. Portal is disappointed with the Ferengi's closed and warlike wisecracks accusing the "human criminals" of treachery and deceit. "and they shamelessly clothe their females...... inviting others to unclothe them, the very depth of perversion!!" Tasha Yar fends off Mardocks advances as he closes in on her. "Paws off Ferengi!"

Image Owner/creator: Paramount Pictures and/or CBS Studios.

"Speak Barbarians Speak, who makes the Challenge? who will it be?" Portal63 transforms himself into a humanoid biped and challenges Riker to enter the Tkon Empire. Riker passes Portals test of courage by conquering his fear in the face of certain death with complete composure. Riker "Fear is the true enemy, the only enemy." Sun Tzu. The guardian of the Tkon empire is satisfied Riker has met his challenge with civilized common sense and releases their starships with full power restored to the engines. Something to write home about eh, trekkies?
Live Long and prosper!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Ferengi Fun Facts

A Ferengi male is expected to remember and follow all of the 285 Ferengi Rules of Acquisition. The Ferengi Rules are actually quite funny. Ferengi Females are forbidden to quote the rules and wear clothes due to their second class residential status. Ferengi Law bans females from ever making business deals.

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The first Rule of Acquisition was written 10,000 years ago by the Original Grand Negus. His name was Gint. When Zek's (Current Grand Negus) greedy personality was changed by aliens he encountered in the Bajorian Wormhole, Zek revised the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition.

Quark and Rom of DS9 were horrified. Every good Ferengi follows the Rules with religious devotion from an early age. The use of the Bajorian Orb had a drastic effect on Zek and in his lunatic condition, the Grand Negus set up the Ferengi Benevolent Society. Fortunately for Ferengi everywhere, Zek's crazy personality was only temporary and the new society and rules were scrapped. Yee-ha!


The Ferengi Code of Living.

1 Once you have their money, you never give it back.
3 Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
6 Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
7 Keep your ears open.
8 Small print leads to large risk.
9 Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
10 Greed is eternal.
13 Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
16 A deal is a deal, until a better one comes along!
17 A contract is a contract is a contract, but only between Ferengi.
18 A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
19 Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
21 Never place friendship above profit.


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22 A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
27 There's nothing more dangerous than an honest business man.
31 Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother, insult something he cares about instead.
33 It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
34 Peace is good for business.
35 War is good for business.
40 She can touch your lobes, but never your latinum.
41 Profit is its own reward.
44 Never confuse wisdom with luck.
47 Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
48 The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
52 Never ask when you can take.
57 Good customers are as rare as latinum, treasure them.
58 There is no substitute for success.
59 Free advice is seldom cheap.
60 Keep your lies consistent.
62 The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
65 Win or lose, theres always Huyperian beetle snuff.
69 Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races.
75 Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of latinum.
76 Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.

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79 Beware of Vulcan greed for knowledge.
82 The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
85 Never let the competition know what your thinking.
89 Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what you can do for your profits.
94 Females and finances don't mix.
97 Enough is never enough.
102 Nature delays but latinum lasts forever.
104 Faith moves mountains of inventory.
106 There is no honour in poverty.
109 Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.
111 Treat people in your debt like family, exploit them.
112 Never have sex with the boss's sister.
113 Always have sex with the boss.
117 You can't free a fish from water.
121 Everything is for sale, even friendship.
123 Even a blind man can recognise the glow of latinum.
139 Wives serve, brothers inherit.
141 Only fools pay retail.
144 There's nothing wrong with charity... as long as it winds up in your pocket.
162 Even in the worst of times a Ferengi turns a profit.
177 Know your enemies, but do business with them always.
181 Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
189 Let others keep their reputation. You keep their money.
192 Never cheat a Klingon, unless you're sure you can get away with it.
194 It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your front door, so you can rob them blind.
202 The justification of profit is profit.
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203 New customers are like razor toothed gree worms, they can be succulent but sometimes they bite back.
211 Employees are the rungs on the ladder to success. Don't hesitate to step on them.
214 Never begin a negotiation on an empty stomach.
215 Demand fully clothed females undress before you.
218 Always know what your buying.
223 Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox.
229 Latinum lasts longer than lust.
236 Humans have a price, but you can't buy fate.
239 Never be afraid to mislabel a product.
242 More is good... all is better.
254 Lies are good for business.
255 A wife is a luxury... a smart accountant is a necessity.
261 A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.
263 Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for latinum.
266 When in doubt, lie.
284 Deep down everyones a Ferengi.
285 No good deed ever goes unpunished.

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Zek's Revised Rules of Acquisition.

1A If they want their money back, give it to them.
10A Greed is dead.
21A Never place profit before friendship.
22A Latinum tarnishes, but family is forever.
23A Money can never replace dignity.
285A A good deed is its own reward.

Live Long and Prosper Trekkers!

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